it's 14th April . And it's my mom's birthday, and my bestfriends birthday, MA AND MA. Haha. Mariam. and Mariyah. Happy birthday to the three of you.
Yesterday, i dont know why. I ended up with mood down .
I watched korean drama, " High School , Love On" and it's not that sad drama , but I ended up crying.
I just.
Entah. Keep thinking about my life.
Yang salahnya, is I compared my life with others. Maybe sebab tu, I felt down.
So down. Double down.
Kept thinking about ...
entah.
everything let me down.
Semalam is the suprise day for my mom.
 So I lied to my mom, tak. bukan tipu. just, sneaking out?
I told her im going out to meet ma friends. but actually, motif utama keluar is for the suprise thing la.
But betul pun, meantime, pergi jumpa kawan .
I just.
felt so alone.
like I got no friends.
everywhere i go , i ended up going out alone.
maybe, i prefer that way,
but comes to think of it, i have been going out alone since i graduated from high school.
because i keep thinking , no one can bare my attitude.
so, rather than going out with someone that might talked behind my back,
why dont just go out sendiri?
like,
you dont have to worry much about other things.
 it is only you.
but thing is . it's dangerous.
what if i get into trouble, i have none to seek for help?
truth is.
i hate asking help .
like.
really.
takut if dorang ingat nak ambil kesempatan.
so do him.
i know,
it's another step.
it's another level.
but, why i feel like he is still a stranger.
i can't even be myself.
i dont feel comfortable.
asyik terfikir beza nya cara hidup kitorang.
i looked at his family.
i looked at mine.
it's total inverse.
you can obviously see the difference.
i cant' deny it.
he gave me this book.
he told me to write everything in that book.
i write nothing.
im scared,
i ended up write all of my sorrow.
cause you know what?
my life is full of sorrow.
there's no happiness.
i forgot the last time i laughed sincerely.
i forgot the last time i feel belonged and wanted.
i forgot the last time people notice my existance.
i think,
i dont even exist.
at one time, people can tell you how much you mean the world ,
the next day, you're just no one.
they can just throw you away without hesitate.

i have nothing be proud of.
i got depression.
im a lady with anaemia.
i have no money.
i have zillion problem.
my family is not like others.
my life isnt normal.
everything i held inside my heart alone.
i never shared it.
because,
 no one cares
not even my mom knows what i really feel.
she never saw me cry.

i felt like the weight of the world is on my shoulder.